Thursday, March 12, 2009

Sanford, NC: the Armpit of America

Sanford, NC: It's where I spend 45 hours of my waking life every week. A mere 45 minute commute from my home in Carrboro, Sanford is the location of my easy, thankless job. Google image search of "Sanford, NC" returns this gem:
That photo perfectly sums up this glorified trailer park of a town.

5 reasons to hate Sanford, NC:

1) Rednecks: Sanford is brimming with rednecks, and only rednecks. The black people are rednecks. The Mexicans people are rednecks. I haven't seen any other ethnicities, but if the Dali Lama relocated to Sanford I'm certain that he would join one of the local Pentecostal churches.

2) Bookstores: One of my favorite lunchtime activities in at other jobs was lounging at the local Barnes and Noble, sippin' on some green tea, and reading their wonderful selection of books in 45 minute increments. There are 3 bookstores in Sanford, two Christian bookstores and one Adult bookstore. Wanna guess which one I've visited?

3) Food: Sanford cuisine is staggeringly simple.... the drive thru next to my office serves fried baloney sandwiches. Americana and Soul food certainly have their place, but there are only so many baked spaghetti dinners I can stomach. That leaves fast food. Neither option is helping with my ample girth. 8 months ago a naive Dominican immigrant opened up a restaurant serving his native fare. Such spicy and flavorful chow was lost on the redneck palate and poor Juan's tables remained empty. I lunched there as often as possible, hoping that my bi-weekly meals of curried goat and morro would keep his doors open. Of course they didn't and currently the most exotic food in town is pizza.

4) Health Care: I'm guessing the Lee County Medical board won't admit you unless you check the "I'm a self-important asshole" box on your application. My Sanford healthcare providers make Dr. House look like Patch Adams. While I understand that living in this godforsaken town is enough to make anyone irritable, other doctors don't feel the need to prescribe gruff condescension for my strep throat. Penicillin will do.

5) Retards: I'm not sure why, but Sanford seems to be the mental retardation capital of NC. While I have no problem with the mentally enfeebled themselves (they're much nicer than normal people), I take issue with the thunderous groans emitting from the herd of retards sitting 2 tables over. I'm sorry for your wretched lot in life, but you're making my fried baloney sandwich even less appetizing. There's a van that sits in our office parking lot that has a Someone I love has Down Syndrome bumper sticker on it. I passed by it the other day and the bumper sticker had been removed. What did this retarded person do to make my co-worker stop loving him? Did he drink all the juice boxes?

In summation, Sanford = suck.

17 comments:

  1. I'm curious. You are obviously so very wise and important. Who forces you to come back here daily? Does someone blackmail you or is it some other means of forcible persuasion? It's obvious that you are oh-so-hip, witty, and intelligent You would have to be a highly prized catch for a business in the rarified air of Carrboro or Chapel Hill.... but then again, there are already more "liberal" poseurs there than actual progressives... Wanna guess which one you are?

    You are welcome not to return, mate.

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  2. Whites comprise less than 50% of the population of Sanford. Could it be that your distain is more based in the racist mindset that you attempt to hide with your fraudulent claims of liberalism?

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  3. You sound as if you're jealous that nobody has loved you despite your down syndrome. Don't be bitter, Corky.

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  4. No, you definitely wouldn't want your doctor to be a self-important asshole. Two of you in the same room would be too much. Of course, he actually has a right to feel that way. :-)

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  5. Do you and your white friends use the term "poor Juans" frequently when discussing Hispanic men? Would your employer look upon your racism so favourably?

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  6. You could always bring a salad from home... porky. Probably wouldn't hurt any.

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  7. "The black people are rednecks."

    It's almost as if I'm reading Noam Chomsky or one of the other progressive greats! No wonder Sanford is too small for your brilliance.

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  8. You say you are under-employed. Perhaps, you should spend more of your working time working instead of sharing your remarkable worldviews with all two of us who have read them?

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  9. In summation, you = suck.

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  10. When did Lee County get its own medical board?

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  11. Many pardons.... I asked earlier why you worked in Sanford...If I had read your post completely, I would have seen that you had already explained that Sanford was the "mental retardation capital of NC." That certainly explains your commute, Porky.

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  12. "other doctors don't feel the need to prescribe gruff condescension"

    Wanna save that all for yourself, eh Chubbs?

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  13. I wonder if the "naive Dominican immigrant" has been turned into a redneck by now? If only others had been as enlightened as you, that immigrant (not the ones you refer to as, Poor Juans, apparently) could have enjoyed the American dream... which apparently involves aiding in your completely undeserved sense of superiority.

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  14. wait... Poor Juans also involve aiding in your completely undeserved sense of superiority as well. My apologies.

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  15. Ha! Snarkisms noted and appreciated. I used to work in that shite town. The Swann ain't lying to you. The official song of that brick dust infested crater must be "If Heaven Ain't A Lot Like Dixie"! Racism so abundant frigging Yankees move down to enjoy it. And it sounds like you got the same A-hole doctor that misdiagnosed my brother's Hepatitis as Mono. Their are some nice folk there but I'm greatful everyday I don't work in that antebellum cesspool anymore. Godspeed in finding more suitable employment.

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  16. Thanks Anon #2, I finally escaped the cesspool of the Sandhills and now work in clean, corporate, boring Cary. I'm much happier here.

    Anon #1, please swtich to decaf. Were you unable to fit all your bile in one comment? I'm guessing you live in Sanford, which is punishment enuff. So instead of taking you down a peg I'll give you a complement: "the rarified air of Carrboro or Chapel Hill" comment was pretty funny. Thanks for readin'!

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  17. I moved here about four months ago. I appreciate the few people that are truly nice but I cant wait to get the hell out. I know, I know, you think no one is forcing me to be here, but, not for longer than about two years. I feel like I stepped into some horror film where black people think we are still in the period reconstruction and the local overseers just got fired from the fields and are pissed about it. This mess is a trip and hey, I cant wait to leave.

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