Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Atlas shrugged... then dropped the ball.

No one can ever make you feel more embarrassed than an earlier vision of yourself. I’m sure Madonna wants to claw her eyes out when she sees Brittany Spears. Personally, I cringe when I see the following people: Ravers, punkers arguing if some obscure band has "sold out", acidheads, philosophy majors, and worst of all, Libertarians.

An impressionable young mind and a simple political theory were a dangerous combination for young It was the "nanny state" that was preventing me from accomplishing great things instead of truancy, weed, and general laziness. Fortunately, my High school civics class forced me to study other political philosophies. I abandoned Libertarianism at the tender age of 17 and was able to avoid the horrible fate of the Randian.

One night my buddy Hoyt and I came to the conclusion that Libertarianism is really more of a personality type than a coherent political ideology. Today I would like to expand on this idea and present to you the life of a typical Ron Paulophile:

In utero: The Libertarian fetus refuses to feed off of the placenta leaving the brain's empathy lobe severely underdeveloped.

Infancy: No respectable Randian will suckle at any teat. He quickly begins nursing on coffee, Neal Bortz, and outrage.

Childhood: The Libertarian won't share his toys. 'Nuff said.

Adolescence: The Libertarian reads Ayn Rand for the first time. This causes him to immediately grow a greasy ponytail, start smoking, and wear ill fitting trench coats. Consequently, he fails to get laid.

College: The Libertarian is finally able to grow facial hair, which he will sport the rest of his life. He annoys everyone at the coffeehouse with caffeine-fueled debates with equally misguided 19 year-old "Communists". He fails to see the irony in asking his parents for more money.

Adulthood: The Libertarian quickly grows a beer gut, gets a dumb Loony Tunes tattoo to reflect his individuality, and buys an unnecessary security system to protect his filthy hovel. He starts a small business and blames its failure on government regulation and high taxes instead of his repulsive personality and gross incompetence. He marries a mild mannered woman who thinks she can tolerate his incessant ranting about "welfare queens" (she is wrong).

Middle Age: This phase of the Libertarian's life is defined by paranoia. He begins buying into every conspiracy theory on the Internet and perceives it as one Bilderbergilicious tapestry weaved by Jews (who are after his gold). His third mail order bride leaves him for someone, anyone who doesn't have an opinion about the flat tax. Overcome with xenophobia, he starts stockpiling weapons for the coming Apocalypse.

The Twilight Years: The Libertarian is sitting in his la-z-boy shaking his fist at the liberal Mainstream Media on basic cable. His breathing is assisted by a Medicare-subsidized oxygen tank for his emphysema. His only income is his monthly social security check because he lost his nest egg in the free market he thought he understood. He dies a hollow shell of a man, still bitter that a portion of his income contributed to your children's education.

Don't get me wrong, Libertarianism has some decent ideas. I believe that easing immigration restrictions, the separation of church and state, and being able to fuck whoever you want (however you want) are good things. I believe government waste, stupid wars (aka every war since WWII), and the prohibition of drugs are bad things. But be careful...If you are still a true believer into your 20s, forever will it dominate your destiny.


  1. You're still railing against libertarians even after all this time?

    Me thinks someone must have had an all too visceral personal relationship with the libertarian party at some point that ended poorly - like a bad breakup with some chic that gave you crabs or something.

    They're at least more intellectually honest than Republicans, as in they actually believe what they say instead of engaging in some hideous self-serving double-speak (see republican's so-called platform, consisting of such outlandish one-liners as "we are the party that encourages more rights to privacy", "we are the party that will protect Amuhrica", and my all-time favorite self-serving one-liner "WE ARE THE PARTY OF SMALL GOVERNMENT" - that one always makes me chuckle).

    Don't get me wrong - I've seen some of the bigoted retarded stuff that comes out of the mouth of some libertarians, but I've seen the same bigoted crap come out of dems and repubs mouths just as frequently - I wouldn't let a bunch of mountain yokels malign a whole party that's dedicated itself to some pretty noble ideas like ending the drug war, simplifying and/or getting rid of some egregious forms of taxation (if you've ever done books for a small company this idea especially resonates with you - the government is not business-friendly by any stretch of the imagination when it comes to taxation - did you know that at the end of every fiscal year you have to pay taxes on whatever inventory you have on hand regardless of how much inventory you may have had during the course of the year - so if you've had a bad year and you have extra inventory, guess what bub? Uncle Same wants you to hand him some moolah for that - and we're not talking a small percentage - we're talking higher than sales tax kinda tax - that's bunk - taxation should be simplified greatly - I would think, or maybe hope, that more businesses would actually pay their taxes if it were a simpler process - it's too easy these days to get caught WAY the fuck off guard by some strange tax that you weren't even aware existed and POOF! you're out of business - I've seen it happen with the clients I've worked with on more than one occasion - not to mention that a decent accountant charges roughly $250 an HOUR to keep you up to date and in good standing with the government - there are plenty of other senseless taxes like having to pay property taxes on property you're renting (what?), having to pay outrageous business license fees based on gross income and not net income - who cares if you generated a million dollars of gross last year if you only got to keep a hundred thousand after cost of goods sold and overhead - the taxation laws in this country make criminals out of everyone - if it were a simpler and more transparent system the coffers of the government would be filled much more often and with a great deal more money), and fer sure they have a much better philosophy concerning war and how to treat the rest of the world in general.

    It just seems entirely too easy to pick on the Libertarians I guess. I see so many more republicans and democrats who are total wastes of flesh out there who are ACTUALLY running the country into the ground while the libertarians are stuck on the sidelines twiddling their thumbs wondering when they might get a shot at running something besides the local county commissioner's doodoo bowl. Although, they do seem more suited to local government offices where they can actually do something more meaningful than make a speech or pretend they had a hand in crafting some pointless legislation concerning clam safety awareness, which is probably why they're winning so many local elections and so few higher offices - that, and they never seem to find a guy (or girl) to run that doesn't come across as some sleazy humorless dickbag (see: Bob Barr).

    BUT - I must say I am enjoying your blog so far - and as someone who almost got an english degree, I must say I am highly impressed with your dikshun and grammur.

  2. sugardaddy swann... i had my flirtation with libertarianism. in fact, though i hie to no polictical party or ideology, i am a fairly libertine guy.
    indeed, in adolescence i grew a ponytail, started smoking, and sported a peacoat (you got me there). i did, however, get plenty of 'tang.
    yes i often wear a (sometimes very large) beard. but my abs are rock-hard, i haven't any tatoos, and my hovel is tidy. can your friend hoyt say the same? my small business seems to be successful, as well. without a doubt, neither of my wives were mild mannered.
    as i approach middle age, i have failed to suscribe to ANY of the myriad conspiracy theories i have so voraciously researched. i am well prepared for the coming apocalypse, though this does not include a weapons stockpile.

    stick 'em up swann, sawzall's gotcha on the bad experience with the libertatrian party.

  3. Of course you can't appreciate the grandeur that is modern libertarianism. I think you've allowed yourself to fall a bit behind the curve of cutting-edge developments in the Austrian School and the wonders of the invisible hand.

    To whit:

    It's called the 'state run media' now.

    See how that game changer breaths new life into the corpse of Ayn Rand? That's the beauty of libertarianism- It's edgy.