Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Atlas shrugged... then dropped the ball.
No one can ever make you feel more embarrassed than an earlier vision of yourself. I’m sure Madonna wants to claw her eyes out when she sees Brittany Spears. Personally, I cringe when I see the following people: Ravers, punkers arguing if some obscure band has "sold out", acidheads, philosophy majors, and worst of all, Libertarians.
An impressionable young mind and a simple political theory were a dangerous combination for young Cyg.net. It was the "nanny state" that was preventing me from accomplishing great things instead of truancy, weed, and general laziness. Fortunately, my High school civics class forced me to study other political philosophies. I abandoned Libertarianism at the tender age of 17 and was able to avoid the horrible fate of the Randian.
One night my buddy Hoyt and I came to the conclusion that Libertarianism is really more of a personality type than a coherent political ideology. Today I would like to expand on this idea and present to you the life of a typical Ron Paulophile:
In utero: The Libertarian fetus refuses to feed off of the placenta leaving the brain's empathy lobe severely underdeveloped.
Infancy: No respectable Randian will suckle at any teat. He quickly begins nursing on coffee, Neal Bortz, and outrage.
Childhood: The Libertarian won't share his toys. 'Nuff said.
Adolescence: The Libertarian reads Ayn Rand for the first time. This causes him to immediately grow a greasy ponytail, start smoking, and wear ill fitting trench coats. Consequently, he fails to get laid.
College: The Libertarian is finally able to grow facial hair, which he will sport the rest of his life. He annoys everyone at the coffeehouse with caffeine-fueled debates with equally misguided 19 year-old "Communists". He fails to see the irony in asking his parents for more money.
Adulthood: The Libertarian quickly grows a beer gut, gets a dumb Loony Tunes tattoo to reflect his individuality, and buys an unnecessary security system to protect his filthy hovel. He starts a small business and blames its failure on government regulation and high taxes instead of his repulsive personality and gross incompetence. He marries a mild mannered woman who thinks she can tolerate his incessant ranting about "welfare queens" (she is wrong).
Middle Age: This phase of the Libertarian's life is defined by paranoia. He begins buying into every conspiracy theory on the Internet and perceives it as one Bilderbergilicious tapestry weaved by Jews (who are after his gold). His third mail order bride leaves him for someone, anyone who doesn't have an opinion about the flat tax. Overcome with xenophobia, he starts stockpiling weapons for the coming Apocalypse.
The Twilight Years: The Libertarian is sitting in his la-z-boy shaking his fist at the liberal Mainstream Media on basic cable. His breathing is assisted by a Medicare-subsidized oxygen tank for his emphysema. His only income is his monthly social security check because he lost his nest egg in the free market he thought he understood. He dies a hollow shell of a man, still bitter that a portion of his income contributed to your children's education.
Don't get me wrong, Libertarianism has some decent ideas. I believe that easing immigration restrictions, the separation of church and state, and being able to fuck whoever you want (however you want) are good things. I believe government waste, stupid wars (aka every war since WWII), and the prohibition of drugs are bad things. But be careful...If you are still a true believer into your 20s, forever will it dominate your destiny.